Humane Edge E-News March 2009

• RAISING A HUMANE CHILD: 7 TIPS FOR PARENTS OF YOUNG KIDS
  
• IHE RESOURCE CENTER WINS ACTION TEACHING AWARD HONORABLE MENTION
  
• NURTURING THE 3 RS IN YOUR TEENAGER
  
• SPECIAL LIMITED OFFER! GET 35% OFF ABOVE ALL, BE KIND
• OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF PARENTS: TRIALS & TRIUMPHS OF HUMANE PARENTING
• FEATURED ACTIVITY: EARTHLY ADVENTURES
• FEATURED RESOURCE: TITLES FOR YOUR PARENTING BOOKSHELF
  
• FEATURED GRADUATE: STEPHANIE MUZEKARI
  

RAISING A HUMANE CHILD: 7 TIPS FOR PARENTS OF YOUNG KIDS

by Kelly Coyle DiNorcia

Embodying the ideals of humane education can be challenging.  It can be lonely to be making different lifestyle choices from those of your friends and family.  We can get discouraged when things seem to be getting worse in the world, even as we struggle to make the best choices we can.  When we become parents, this difficult task can suddenly seem overwhelming.  Aside from the stress and exhaustion that is a part of parenting, we suddenly have a whole new set of choices to make.  How should we diaper our child?  What should she wear?  What should he eat?  What about school?  Add to this the fact that we are now responsible for a whole other person -– one who is watching and learning from everything we do –- and humane parenting can be downright intimidating.  Here are 7 tips for making it seem a bit more manageable when your children are young:

1. Educate yourself, not necessarily your children.  Use extreme caution when introducing humane issues to children under age 12.  Young children rarely have the emotional and intellectual sophistication to deal with these issues, and introducing them too soon could backfire.  For example, a friend of mine took her five-year-old son to a soup kitchen where she had been volunteering for years, thinking it would help him to appreciate the luxuries and privileges he has.  Instead, he came away terrified that his family might someday end up homeless and hungry.
2. But remember – the real world is out there!  While we don’t want to overwhelm our children with too much information, we also need to prepare them for situations they may encounter.  We may not watch television in our homes, but we may still want to educate our children about what commercials are and what their purpose is.  We may not use offensive language in our homes, but there may be circumstances where it is important that our children are aware of certain terms or stereotypes in case they hear them when you are not around to help them.  Talk about race, not necessarily racism; talk about the environment, not necessarily environmental destruction; talk about kindness to animals, not necessarily animal abuse.
3. Start local.  Young children are egocentric.  They are unable to really understand the size and diversity of the world.  Therefore, when trying to teach them about important issues, it is best to focus on their immediate surroundings when they are young and gradually expand from there.  Talk about the trees in your yard or local park, not the rainforest.  Watch your companion animals or the wildlife outside your window rather than trying to introduce your preschooler to polar bears and whales.  Get to know your neighbors and your community instead of talking about the lives of children in faraway lands.
4. Make sure there is time for reverence in your day.  If we want our children to develop a deep feeling of kinship with the world, we need to make time for that to happen.  Unfortunately, in today’s busy world it is often difficult to find the time to stop and smell the flowers, if you’ll excuse the cliché.  Especially when children are young, it is a good idea to keep scheduled activities to a minimum and leave a lot of open-ended time in your days that can be spent watching the sun rise, listening to the crickets at dusk, examining a worm after a rainstorm, or dropping everything to help a friend in need.  I have a quote from Patricia Clafford hanging in my office over my computer:  “The work will wait while you show the child the rainbow, but the rainbow won’t wait while you do the work.”
5. Give children tools, not answers.  Part of developing a child’s critical thinking skills is resisting the urge to answer all their questions.  Instead, we can give them tips and ideas for solving problems themselves.  Your young child wonders what kind of bird is outside on your feeder?  Ask what name she would give the bird.  Ask if the bird reminds her of any other birds she has seen.  Ask her to draw it in her nature journal.  Ask her to describe the bird -– his color, what he’s doing, where he is, what sounds he’s making, what he’s eating, what his feet and beak look like, and then look it up together (even if you already know the answer). 
6. Practice positive parenting.  If we want our children to be kind we need to treat them kindly.  However, any parent knows that this is more easily said than done.  Not only can it be exhausting, both physically and mentally, to care for young children, but many of us were not parented in a way which was particularly kind.  It can therefore be difficult for us to know how to raise our children with respect and compassion.  There are a number of positive parenting philosophies and books out there, but a good rule of thumb is to ask yourself, “Would I treat another adult this way?” If the answer is “No”, then it may not be the most respectful and constructive way to treat your child.
7. Find support.  It really, truly does take a village to raise a child.  It is vital that like-minded parents come together so that they, as well as their children, have friendship and community in their lives.  If you don’t know any parents who share similar values, find them.  Join a parent support group.  Attend events or classes in your community, such as parent and tot hikes or yoga classes.  Post a flier at your food co-op, health food store or CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) and try to form a playgroup.  Don’t try to go it alone – there is strength in numbers.

Kelly Coyle DiNorcia is an IHE M.Ed. graduate and focuses her energies on educating others about humane parenting. Kelly has a website, Beautiful Friendships, and blog, and frequently gives presentations and leads workshops about humane parenting. She has also published articles on the topic, including an article scheduled for the May/June 2009 issue of Natural Life.

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IHE RESOURCE CENTER WINS ACTION TEACHING AWARD HONORABLE MENTION

The Social Psychology Network has chosen IHE's Humane Education Resource Center to receive an Honorable Mention for its 2009 Action Teaching Award.

The award "recognizes 'action teaching' that leads not only to a better understanding of human behavior but to a more just, compassionate, and peaceful world."

Judges' comments about our Resource Center included:

"An excellent resource -- many good activities that can be well adapted to a lot of settings and topics."

"...an extensive set of resources with activities appropriate for teaching on a wide variety of social issues to various age groups."

"I liked the activities and appreciated their broad applicability to primary, secondary, and post-secondary education."

Our Resource Center includes a plethora of free, downloadable humane education activities and lesson plans, as well as resources such as:

• Suggested books, magazines, videos, online games and websites
• Archives for our Humane Edge E-News
• Sample student work and profiles and interviews with our students and graduates
• Listings of humane education-related jobs and internships
• Tips for starting a MOGO Club
  

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NURTURING THE 3RS IN YOUR TEENAGER

by Zoe Weil, IHE President

How can you nurture your teenagers’ compassion and reverence for good and instill their respect for others? How can you help them become more responsible? You will most likely be unsuccessful if you say to your daughter, “Can’t you think about anyone other than yourself?” or demand that your son volunteer at the local nursing home, but if you pay attention to your teenagers’ interests and concerns, stay alert for opportunities to inspire reverence, respect, and responsibility, and encourage them to act upon their concerns, you may be able to guide them toward the fulfillment of the three Rs: Reverence, Respect, and Responsibility.

Compassion in action is the realization of the three Rs, and the hearts of most teens are often crying out for more opportunities to contribute and be responsible citizens. The world also needs young people. They have energy, passion, and vitality to offer to those who welcome their gifts. When young people care, when their compassion is engaged, they become a force that is extraordinarily powerful. Here are some tips for instilling the 3 Rs in your teenager:

Nurturing Reverence

• Make a point of bringing the suffering of others, whether humans or animals, into your teenager’s sphere of awareness. You can do this by sharing stories at the dinner table, watching videos of changemakers, or joining a social justice organization and reading its literature.
• Establish your family’s commitment to spending time together outside, and model time alone in natural settings or parks so that your teenager knows she can find solitude and renewal in the natural world. Find opportunities to nurture your own wonder and compassion so that you can be a role model for reverent appreciation.
• Stay aware of local events so that together you and your teenager can discuss what is happening in your neighborhood and community.
• Invite your teenager to inspire you. If he knows that his concerns and thoughts matter to you, he will be more likely to share them, and his reverence will be reinforced by your appreciation and involvement.

Instilling Respect

• Invite your teen to choose some of the ways in which your family will give to others, whether through volunteering, raising money, or donating services.
• Be ever more respectful of your teenagers and model respect for others. Gently point out ways in which they can be more respectful, and help them consider other people’s points of view.
• Invite your teenager to teach and lead you toward more respectful lifestyles.

Instilling Responsibility

• Let your teenager know that his dollar is his vote. Even though he can’t vote in elections until he’s 18, you can teach him that he votes every time he spends his money. Teaching our adolescents that they have enormous “voting” power through their spending choices will help them learn to take responsibility for their voting dollars.
• Make explicit the expectations of every family member so that your teenagers understand that each person in the family has certain responsibilities for which they must be accountable.
• Share and celebrate the successes and achievements of your efforts and those of others so that your adolescents will see that people can make a difference.
• Express your appreciation for your teenager’s efforts to be responsible. Your thanks and recognition will go a long way toward helping your adolescent feel positive about being responsible.

If, in raising your child, you have provided him with good information, sound critical thinking skills, and a core of reverence and respect, it is very likely that you will have a responsible adolescent. She may not be responsible in every way, but if she understands that her choices matter, she will learn to be responsible in the important ways. But remember that modeling the message is the key. The more your own life bears the mark of responsible citizenship, the easier it will be for your teenager to understand that she, too, is being called upon to take her reverence and respect and turn it into responsible action.

(Excerpted from Above All Be Kind: Raising a Humane Child in Challenging Times by Zoe Weil. New Society Publishers, 2003.)

Image courtesy of laura.oimette via Creative Commons.

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SPECIAL LIMITED OFFER! GET 35% OFF ABOVE ALL, BE KIND

In honor of our special issue on humane parenting, we're offering IHE President Zoe Weil's book, Above All, Be Kind: Raising a Humane Child in Challenging Times for only $11.50 - that's 35% off the cover price!

ORDER ABOVE ALL, BE KIND NOW!

This special offer is only available until March 17, 2009!

Above All, Be Kind shows you how to teach children to be humane in the broadest sense: not only to become more compassionate towards family and friends, but also to make choices that demonstrate respect for the environment, other species and all people. It gives you the tools to nurture happier children, deeper family relationships and a better world.

Above All Be Kind includes chapters for the early, middle, teenage, and young adult years. Of special interest to parents and teachers, this book will also appeal to human rights, environmental, and animal protection activists who wish to reach out to parents.

“Profound, practical, positive and potentially pivotal, this book is a vital tool in the struggle to raise healthy and happy children who know the joy and richness of service and compassion. Recommended reading for parents, teachers, aunts, uncles – everyone who loves children and wants to see them thrive.”
~ Ocean Robbins, Founder, Youth for Environmental Sanity (YES!), co-author, Choices for Our Future, and father of twin boys

“As a parent of six children, I found Above All Be Kind [to be] the greatest advice I have ever read about raising children. [It] will not only make you a better parent, it will make you a better human being.”
~ Howard F. Lyman, LL.D., author, Mad Cowboy and President, Voice for a Viable Future

ORDER ABOVE ALL, BE KIND NOW!

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OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF PARENTS: THE TRIALS AND TRIUMPHS OF HUMANE PARENTING

What’s a humane child? According to IHE’s President, Zoe Weil, in her book, Above All, Be Kind: Raising a Humane Child in Challenging Times:

“Humane children are nourished by deeply held values that help them resist peer pressure and cultural messages that are shallow or dangerous. They believe in themselves and their ability to make a positive contribution with their lives….they are empowered to follow their dreams without harming others in the process.”

We have many IHE students and graduates who, as parents, celebrate the successes and struggle with the challenges of raising kind children who demonstrate reverence, respect and responsibility toward the world and its inhabitants and who think creatively and critically about how to live a life that does the most good and least harm for all people, animals and the earth. We wanted to share a few of our students’ and graduates’ successes and challenges as parents, and what better way than through their own voices.

On Humane Parenting:

M.Ed. student Tracey DuEst:

“One of many definitions of humane is ‘pertaining to kindness, humanity and compassion.’  I feel the best thing I can do to teach my kids this is to model that behavior.  It is important for me to try to be as transparent as possible in my interactions with people so they can understand the importance of kindness, honesty and integrity.  I get compliments all the time on how well-mannered my kids are, as I think being grateful is also part of humane parenting.  If they have an appreciation in their early years of ‘non-material items’ -- family, friends, animals, the outdoors, ‘downtime’, etc. -- it will allow them to make more informed choices about taking care of the planet and about their treatment of ALL sentient beings.

”It is also important to me that they understand that love and compassion are shown in actions, not words or material gifts.  Perhaps one of my favorite quotes summarizes this thought the best; ‘You can use most any measure when you are speaking of success, you can measure it in a fancy home, expensive car or dress, but the measure of your real success is one you cannot spend; it is the way your child describes you when talking to a friend.’”

HECP graduate Roberto Giannicola:

“My daughter is now ten years old. In the earlier years, it was much easier to 'control,' so to speak, what came into our house: the toys she played with, the food she ate, as well as all external influences like commercials, advertisements, and the trends and ideas in general that permeate our society. However, the older she has gotten, the more difficult it has become for me to filter what could be negatively impacting her. She spends about eight hours a day outside of our home, mostly in school and after school programs, but also at movie theaters, shows, friends’ sleepovers, etc., where she’ll be exposed to numerous ideas from her friends or other sources that sometimes I don’t agree with and can’t control.
 
”Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t consider my home a convent where I keep her locked inside, but rather a sanctuary where we can discuss the impact of her choices and lifestyle. For instance, when she wants to eat animal flesh, I explain, without the gruesome details, about factory farming. She knows about sweatshop and child labor and accepts the need to avoid certain stores, or to refrain from buying needless items. I‘ve also talked to her about the messages of commercials on TV, and thanks to TIVO, she doesn’t even watch them any longer.
 
”However, I’m not around all the time, and she won’t think twice about accepting a present from a relative or friend, regardless of its provenance and impact, or watching some degrading TV show where they portray young girls as being stupid, with no power but to follow the will of the 'smarter' ones on the set.
 
”I believe that there is only so much we can do, but what is important is to instill a sense of awareness and help them understand that everything we do has consequences. It is up to us to make these consequences be as positive as possible.”

On Generosity and Helpfulness:

M.Ed. student Mark Heimann:

“As my children get older (Olivia is 6 1/2 and Jonah is almost 4), their circle of friends and hence the birthday invite list continue to grow.  While we enjoy throwing the parties, we have never enjoyed the pile of unneeded toys that my children get.  The gifts represent all of the materialism of which we have tried to steer clear.  Two years ago that stress was removed when my daughter decided that, instead of presents, she wanted to collect money to sponsor a needy child!  She knew that I sponsored a child through Plan USA and wanted her own child to sponsor.  We sent out a note with her birthday invitation asking people to consider donating money to Plan USA in lieu of bringing a gift for Olivia.  With all of the money collected, Olivia started sponsoring and writing to Ada, a young girl from an impoverished region of Paraguay.  Each year we send out the same note with the birthday invitation, so Olivia can continue to sponsor Ada. Having direct contact with someone from a very different background who struggles for the bare necessities helps keep Olivia grounded. Ada is a reference point to keep all of us from getting too caught up in the materialism that surrounds us.

“Now Jonah wants to start sponsoring a child for his birthdays too!  It is never too early to learn the lessons of caring and sharing.  Just as we have modeled these ideals for our children, so they are becoming models with their choices for how to celebrate their birthdays.  It seems to be catching on!”

M.Ed. student Tracey DuEst:

“The kids and I were in Provincetown last summer and my son Trey got out of his seat.  I said, ‘Trey, where are you going? You need to finish eating.'  I looked to my right, and he had gotten up because he saw someone in a wheel  chair coming to the door.  He was at the door and already had it wide open before the man even got to the top of the ramp!!

”At summer camp my daughter Tera was the only one who would play with a little girl who had trouble with one of her eyes.  One eye was almost fully closed, and the kids teased her a lot. Tera not only played with her but closed one of her eyes, too, so that her friend would not feel so bad.  I’m so proud of them both!”

On Accepting and Connecting With Others:

M.Ed. graduate Cari Micala:

“One experience I had with my son; I think he might have been three (he is four now). We were at a larger family dinner (a holiday of some sort - or perhaps a birthday?).  My immediate family is pretty good about making something that we can eat -- even if it is a separate dish from what the others are eating.  The other folks were having some meat dish, and as my brother-in-law was being handed his plate, my son turned to me and said ‘Mama, he eats stuff that we don't!’  My brother-in-law, also an avid hunter, can be kind of quiet anyway.  I immediately said to my son ‘Yes, he does, but that's okay; we can still like him.’  Everybody kind of chuckled, but it has helped my son in other situations (where he might have been the only child in the group to not eat meat or whatever the issue is).  He just kind of puts it out there -- you eat meat and I don't -- but we can still be friends.

”As he gets older, he may deal with things in another way as he learns more; but for now, I think it's important for him to not start dividing up people into categories.”

M.Ed. graduate Gina Diamond:

“I had an interesting experience yesterday.  I sat next to a woman during the MLK Day celebration.  While the presenters spoke of compassion and love, I watched this exhausted mother yell at and spank her child on several occasions.  I get tears in my eyes just by writing this.  It was an incredibly difficult situation, as I knew that judging her would not help.  I tried to the best of my ability to offer her help in hopes that she would get a bit of a reprieve and ease up on the kid.  I remembered a passage I read in  a John Robbins’ book that spoke about helping people become humane parents by not judging the parent and instead recognizing the needs of theirs that aren't getting met. 

I gave the woman my phone number at the end of the presentation and told her that she appeared overwhelmed and that she could call me if she needed help. I don't know what I will do if she does call, but I couldn't walk away without doing something.  This was my gift to MLK: respecting the diversity in people on all levels and seeing her as an extension of me.  Even though I am not always a humane parent (I do try my best), I at least have the tools to continue to strive for this goal.  How can we help children if their parents believe that what they are doing is humane?” 

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FEATURED ACTIVITY: EARTHLY ADVENTURES

It's so easy to take the natural world around us for granted and to forget how the different elements contribute to the health and well-being of all of us. Use this activity to help elementary-aged students think critically and learn about different aspects of the natural world. Take them on an "earthly adventure," following clues and trails to learn about how elements such as trees, soil and flowers help people, animals and the planet.
Download Earthly Adventures.

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FEATURED RESOURCE: TITLES FOR YOUR PARENTING BOOKSHELF

There are a plethora of parenting books available. We’ve selected just a few to share, recommended by some of our own IHE student and graduate parents.

Above All, Be Kind: Raising a Humane Child in Challenging Times
by Zoe Weil (New Society Publishers, 2003)
This book, written by IHE’s president Zoe Weil, shows you how to help teach children to be humane in the broadest sense: not only to become more compassionate towards family and friends, but also to make choices that demonstrate reverence, respect and responsibility for the environment, animals and all people.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (Harper Collins, 1980)
Develop effective, respectful relationships with your children and learn how to communicate in ways that build a positive, lasting connection.

Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature Deficit Disorder
by Richard Louv (Algonquin Books, 2008)
Sparking a revolution to reconnect children with the natural world, this title offers a “body of research indicating that direct exposure to nature is essential for healthy childhood development and for the physical and emotional health of children and adults.” The new edition also includes updated research, as well as tips and strategies for connecting kids with nature. (Note: Louv does promote fishing.)

Parenting From Your Heart
by Inbal Kashtan (PuddleDancer Press, 2004)
Connect compassionately with your children by using the tenets of Non-violent Communication to learn tips and strategies for resolving conflict peacefully and fostering trust and open communication.

Playful Parenting
by Lawrence Cohen (Ballantine, 2002)
Learn to use play as a way to help “nurture close connections, solve behavior problems, and encourage confidence.”

Sharing Nature with Children
By Joseph Cornell (Dawn Publications, 1998)
A 20th anniversary revised and expanded edition of a classic, designed to help you spark curiosity, reverence and respect for the natural world in your children.

See our other suggested books to help you increase your own knowledge about the pressing issues of our time.

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FEATURED GRADUATE: STEPHANIE MUZEKARI

Although she grew up with deep care for people, animals and the planet, Stephanie Muzekari found herself on a career track that didn't fit with her calling to be of service to the world. Then, through IHE's M.Ed. program, Stephanie discovered a way to meld her passion for helping others with her deep faith and care for her family. Now she is working to bring humane education to people of faith and to her own efforts to raise her sons to be humane stewards of the earth.

Read more about Stephanie.

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